The Apple Watch is everywhere. In the past few weeks, I’ve been seeing my Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, Youtube, Google+ and various other feeds filled with Apple Watch news. Well, news might be a bit far off to say, because most of what news sites were reporting was not news. It was (and still is) a rumor: the Apple Watch got more than 1 million preorders on the first day. That is very impressive if it is true, but I can’t help but wonder why so many people are so crazy about this gadget? We all know what it can do, we all know that you’re going to have to charge the Apple Watch every night or even more often, we all know that it only works with iOS devices, we all know that it won’t work without one and we all know that it is expensive as hell. So why have (supposedly) 1 million people preordered the Sports version of the Apple Watch on the first day?

For the life of me, I will never understand. But since the title says: why I would never buy the Apple Watch, let me tell you why I personally would never spend money on the Apple Watch or any other first generation smart watch for that matter. I think it would be easier if this were made into a list, so that you can easily see what the important part of each reason is. First off, as a disclaimer: these are personal opinions and you are welcomed to challenge them. Cheers!

1. You need an iPhone – at all times

This point is valid for many other smart watches, but since the Apple Watch is all the rage right now, it is most relevant in its situation. The Apple Watch will not be good for almost anything unless your trusty iPhone is in your pocket. Apple does want to gain more iPhone users through this marketing strategy, and it will probably work out for the best for them. Android or Windows phone users (not to mention other under-the-radar mobile operating systems) have no other choice than to buy at least an iPhone 5S in order to be able to use an Apple Watch if they want to buy it. It is understandable that Google, Apple and Windows are competing against each other and each wants to make its own ecosystem the best one and the most popular one and of course, the most profitable one. Apple is leading on that for the moment, although I don’t understand why. The ecosystem theory in technology is a good one and can be beneficial to the development of technology. If it were open source. If an ecosystem like Apple’s would be open source and usable by anyone, it would spell advancement in the blink of an eye. Google and Android are as open as it gets (save for custom ROMs when talking about mobile operating systems) and the openness has only acted in the users’ and the company’s benefits as far as I know. If technology, cloud, software and gadgets want to move ahead in unison, there has to be a common denominator. That’s a rather deep subject I might not be qualified enough to discuss but I will come back to that once I understand a few extra things and learn a few extra traits for myself. Still, you get the idea: the Apple Watch promotes an exclusionist ecosystem: you can’t communicate outside of the ecosystem.

2. It’s a first edition

There’s not much more to say about that. The Apple Watch is a first edition and it works like a first edition. Even if Apple wants to spin the Apple Watch off as jewelry, luxury, fanciness and the epitome of technology, that will never happen. In my opinion, a gadget is a gadget and jewelry is jewelry. But a watch is right in the middle! So why the first edition problem? Because first edition Apple Watch and any other kind of smart watch or gadget will always have flaws. Think of it like this: you just had your first baby something and now you’re learning how to care for that baby something. You learn how to manage your money, your relationships and adjust your entire lifestyle to that baby something. Once the second baby something comes along, you’ll be more than prepared to take on the toughness of raising a child. It’s a rather odd metaphor to apply to the Apple Watch, but that’s what first edition is in essence. You can see it with the Moto 360L it’s good, but it could have been much better and the second edition will most likely be much better. The fact that the Apple Watch battery life is among the worst ones on any smart watch proves the theory that first edition gadgets are usually flawed. Not to mention a $17k first edition Apple Watch. It’s gold, we get it, and we understand that we have to pay a lot extra to even have a so-called “warranty” and we also have to pay a buttload for repairs. For a first edition. I just can’t wrap my head around it. The Apple Watch performance is not spotless, you can check out tens of reviews that agree with that statement. Most of the problems are minor, but they affect the user experience in a way in which they shouldn’t, especially if you were dumb enough to pay $17.000 for it. For example: when you raise your wrist, the screen should turn on immediately; instead it has at least two seconds of delay, which is not neat at all. Moreover, the apps stutter, the interface is hard to get used to, the features are scattered, and the Apple Watch isn’t as good as advertised. It has enormous potential, that is completely true, but that potential is still left untapped.

3. Awful battery life

Once again, this criteria is not exclusive to the Apple Watch battery life. Most smart watches on the market have bad battery life, including the LG G Watch R, Moto 360, Asus ZenWatch, Samsung Gear Fit, etc. Apple wanted to launch a product that would revolutionize the industry. Tim Cook said that once we tried the Apple Watch, we could not live without it. How does a one-day battery life factor into that story, monsieur? When people buy a watch, regardless of it being smart or not, they expect to have it on their wrists and that’s about it. We already charge our laptops, tablets, smartphones, power banks, chargers, cameras and who knows what else once, twice or even three times a day. Adding a watch to that would be stupid. This is valid for all the smart watches that have been launched recently. Asus is coming up with the Asus VivoWatch which will get a 10 day battery life, but that’s not really ideal either. The Apple Watch, on the other hand, really botched things in this respect. Some people who truly used all the functions they could on the Apple Watch noticed that it didn’t even make it to the end of the day, which is horrifying. It beats the point. Why would you carry around a gadget that does the same things your phone does, but needs to be charged just as often and still can’t manage to let you keep your phone in your pocket? You would be surprised at how many things the Apple Watch can’t do by itself and lets you know that you should pull your iPhone out. Bonkers. A smart watch should end up having a one-month battery life. Fat-fetched, I’m aware of that, but that’s about when I would buy one. Or when they can actually replace my phone completely.

4. It’s expensive and overhyped

Let me be honest: Apple is not my cup of tea. The Apple Watch falls into the category of products that don’t have value in my opinion, or at least not as much value as advertised. The Apple Watch price is $350, and for that you get the smallest version available, with an aluminium case and a sports band. Oh yeah, if you want to change Apple Watch bands, you’re going to have to buy they, for a lot, from Apple. That’s because you can’t just slap on other watch bands. That would look awful and Apple wouldn’t make money out of it, so you’re going to have to buy new accessories. At least with the Moto 360 and LG G Watch R you can use any kind of watch band, from any kind of vendor, from any corner of the world, as long as it’s the same size (22 mm I guess). When I first heard about this Apple Watch accessory thing in September, it quickly entered my mind as a chord that kept breaking. It became a pet peeve of mine because I see this as the rudest form of exploiting your customers. There are other examples of other companies, but we’re talking Apple Watch right now so there’s no use in getting into that. Granted, the Sports version of the Apple Watch looks best in my opinion. That’s because the whole design of the Apple Watch is more fitness tracker than stylish smart watch, which matches the silicone sports band and silvery case that it comes in. The stainless steel Apple Watch price with a sport band is a whopping $550, and the Apple Watch Edition price ranges between $10,000 and $17,000. The sports band price in any color you want is $50, the classic buckle price is a whopping $150, the milanese loop price is once again $150, the modern buckle price is a huge $250 while one of the link bracelet prices is an enormous $450. If that’s not an overpriced gadget and accessory, I don’t know what is. Still, after people learn about the prices, they see the features, they get past spur of the moment and understand what the Apple Watch truly is, yet they are still crazy about it. I’ve never come to terms with the fact that Apple is like a band in America: a trend. I guess that’s a good way of describing Apple: an ongoing premium trend in fashion and technology. Makes me think of a friend who wanted to buy an iPhone 5s so bad he traded his car for it. And it wasn’t some old run-down wagon either. He just wanted the iPhone 5s bad and fast, and it wasn’t readily available yet if I remember correctly. I have not spoken to him since.

5. Wearables are not there yet

A fitness tracker is cool, but the Apple Watch is not a fitness tracker. It aims to be so much more and it has great potential in becoming an all-in-one device, that is if Apple understands that not everybody wants to be part of their ecosystem but they still want a small part of it. Fitness tracking and health tracking is the only true purpose of wearable devices at the moment. They are developing fast and companies are already thinking of news ways in which smart watches could be made independent of their smartphones, but until the big companies like Samsung, Motorola, LG and Apple launch smart watches that are stand-alone devices that can replace your phone and are affordable, there’s really no purpose for them. The Microsoft Band for example is $200 and you get fitness tracking and a heap of notifications. But why pay so much when you can get a Whithings fitness tracker for about $50? There are countless fitness tracking and notifications-providing smart wearable gadgets out there, but millions of people refuse to acknowledge them because they’re not popular. Until we can have a smart watch that can fully replace the functions of a smartphone, there is no purpose for them. Come on: heartbeats? It’s romantic, sure, but seriously, heartbeats? And it’s not a cross-platform things, you can only do it between Apple Watch and Apple Watch, which is kind of sad, but hey, it’s marketing ain’t it?

Take this post with a grain of humor this time, because it turned out to be more of a rant than a review, although it was never intended to become a review. This section will be updated once I think of something else to throw at the Apple Watch, but I’m dry for now. Consider this post a fun one, something that is off-beat, something that tries to tell it how it is from the perspective of someone who will never buy an Apple Watch or any other smart watch in the near future. She’ll stick with a fitness tracking app on her phone, because it does the job just as well. Think of it as satire, if that makes you feel better. Feel free to challenge the opinions expressed and feel free to call me out, I will happily discuss my passive-aggressiveness towards Apple and the Apple Watch, as long as we’re civil about it. Why wouldn’t you buy an Apple Watch? Would you guys buy any smart watch or do you feel that they’re not there yet?